quick stuff that i'm going to blog here. nothing deep, nothing worth thinking about because my brain just aint functioning as well as it can normally do. (which isn't saying much, haha) stayed back quite late for the fun fair preparations but mainly stayed in T13 getting the sizes for the balloons right. yeah, nothing much. except cos of the whole time table change (fri becoming wed and vise versa), it just made my reaction time a bit screwed. kept on thinking it was wednesday.

LT AVA was being used for the fun fair, so we had history lecture in the concourse. so bloody hot that Mr Lim decided to stop after one period. yay. according to him, it was something unprecendanted. whoo hoo. set a record did we?

haha, when we were going for econs, i took Keith's wallet from his back pocket. and he didn't know it. he was like:" what the...." "how is that possible? i 4 years no one manage to do it without me noticing." haha. looks like i managed to do it.

quite excited about the fun fair actually. will be seeing a lot of my friends. then, people like Cheng Xun and Norman coming back also. it's been a while.June too. so should be a blast. cant wait to see the guides who're coming back.... yue yiao too. whoopie!

i feel so confused. thoughts are flitting across my brain but i cant seem to catch hold of them long enough to think about them.

i thought it was all okay and i didn't have to think and worry about it anymore.

then something comes up and i start to wonder about it again. which is so not what i want to do.

i really need to know.

but i don't think anyone is going to be able to tell me what i need to know.

{- My Immortal-}

freaking tired. feel like sleeping the whole day away. but that isn't an option for me. argh.

had vj's sports day on friday. lynx came in second out of 6 houses, so can be considered quite good. didn't do much after i came home. just wasted my day watching the blinking box.

realisation

i'm not insane. i can be rational and think logically. yay. perhaps now i wouldn't be so screwed.

{-Hand me down-}

sterotyping people

we've all been guilty of it. you look at someone and immediately classify him/her under a particular catergory. we cant really classify people into catergories, but i think you get the general idea.

slacker, sportsman, mugger, bimbo... the list goes on.

but really, no one person really fits into a particular catergory. it's hard to place people. you can look at the person at a time when he/she is tired, angry, hurt, annoyed. immediately, snappishness takes place when you're attempting to get to know the person better. it isnt fair to think that person is like that all the time. likewise, the person might be smiling and joking, it's not right to assume the person doesn't possess a serious bone in his/her body. it all depends on the circumstances.

and it isn't fair to anyone to brand someone in a certain catergory. people have hidden depths, we merely have to dig a little deeper to discover them. what's on the surface may not be the real thing.

i don't know how people view me. i do have an inkling though. to sum it up : moody. people like to accuse me of having perpetual mood swings. i don't deny i'm not what you say i am. but sometimes the emotions are just all warped. i try not to let them show too much, but sometimes i feel that it's better to let it out rather than let them stay in. i get angry easily. i get disappointed easily. because i set standards for myself that are too high to be met. i don't see the point in changing them because i like the feeling of great accomplishment when they're met. of course, that's rare.

one thing i hate is people playing with my feelings. because they need to know it isnt a game, it's something real. is this a trust issue? if we readily believe people, well, let's just say that it has both positive and negative consequences. every action has a reaction, every cause has an effect. everything you say... anything you say...

touch. it's so simple. but it speaks volumes even when you don't say a word. to have someone's hand slip into yours brings comfort. it lets me know people care. still, how do you know a person really cares? or is the person merely being hypocritical. i know i should stop trying to analyse everything because it makes me feel more and more insecure. but i always need to know.

it's hard to tell, isn't it? deep down, everyone questions the motives everyone else has for doing certain things. everyone wonders. if not all the time, then at least once or twice.

we just have to follow our heart.
unfortunately for me, i tend to follow what my brain tells me to do instead of my heart.

"when i tell you i love you, i mean it."

{- Welcome to the jungle- }

i realised how simple it is for me now. when you really sit down and think about it and focus about the now and the how, everything seems to fall into its correct slots. and then i wonder why i wasted so much of my time. but easier said than done. because after i've done all the rationalising, i toss it out of the window.

i cant help it.

it hurts. it cuts deep. it's not what you say, it's what you don't.

my posts are rapidly getting shorter and shorter. it's not because i don't know what to say, it's because i don't know how to say it. how to phrase it.

{-Measure of a Man-}

one must learn to differentiate between what's real and what's not. when we become too enchanted by fantasy, we lose our focus and our perspective of what truly matters or what is. when we become too focused on reality, we lose our "dare to dream" spirit. no wonder we always talk about moderation being the key.

not going to do any work today since i had so much stuff to do yesterday. i like rewarding myself though i may regret it later on. oh well, we only have one life. we've got to live it well.

{- In the end -}

i suddenly remembered what i wanted so much to blog about when i was drifting off to dreamland yesterday night.

it was something to do with the motto the guides had for this year.

Happiness is...

happiness is appreciating the little things in a person's life. every little thing will add up, just like a jigsaw puzzle and how in the end, you wouldn't get all those little bits of pieces that fit nowhere but a beautiful picture that is worthy of the time and effort you had put in.

happiness is being who you are. without people restricting you. telling you what to do. yet people have to be careful and distinguish what's good for you and what's not. simply doing what you want to do may be wonderful in the beginning, but sooner or later, the advice you've ignored in order to experience what you felt was better may had been the only thing that could have saved you from making a horrid mistake.

happiness is knowing who you are. even though this is similar to the previous point i made, it's slightly different. people search for meaning, for understanding. because even though it's OURSELVES, sometimes we have doubts on who we truly are. to know yourself is to know your character, your strengths and your weaknesses.

happiness lies in love. not just the love you share with your significant other, but the love you have for others. for there to be love and for people to experience love, we have to open up our hearts. it's hard to do so, no one said it was easy, but everyone's heart is open, to a certain extent. we have to give, then only can we receive.

i like roses. though i rarely get them. *hint* i like it even better when i get gifts without a reason. a kind of just because you're you, or just because you were there for me kind of gift. those are the ones that are most treasured because the person who gave the gift was thinking about me.

digressing. why roses? not because they're the epitome of love, or whatever reason like that. i like them because they're pretty. and deceptive. i like to think they mirror a person's character. mine maybe? how on the surface everything's fine, pretty, innocent. but underneath the surface is another different story. sometimes there's thorns, sometimes the thorns are gone.

it doesnt help that they remind me of all the good things i've experienced because of certain people in my life.

who are you?

the angel in my dreams
the one who holds me by the seams
waits for me to live
shares the very air i breathe

try so hard to see your face
and smile at your shining grace
yet try as i might
it's too dark, dark as night

all i want
is for you to be
near me
hold me
love me

but i still
cant figure out
who you are

went for SN's sports day yesterday. was fun. but somehow it seemed as though past years had more people. yellow was third. blue won again. no surprise there. found out that sam and feng ru received their PGA. congrats to them both. but of course, no matter if they did or didn't get it, to get that far is still something to be proud of. after all, i should know.

people was as unpredictable as the weather. not generalizing. but sometimes it's hard to figure out what certain people are thinking at certain points of time. for close friends, it's, of course, a lot easier. too tired to think of anything else to write about. i need sleep, but i have yet to do my analysis of the lit poem.

i'm very tired and annoyed. people who think they are right and who like to say stuff criticizing me always prefer not to leave their name. i wonder if that's another way of protraying their true character of lack of courage. i wonder if by writing this i'll be illiciting another whole string of comments from the same said person. and seriously, by putting down the name as god, is simply blasphemous.

the last time this happened, i wrote a very nice entry on how the person who didn;t leave their name would die. i believe that this is, compared to that, a much more matured response. that's because i simply don't care. or rather, i don't care more than i would have normally. i'm tired.

not just physically, but mentally. i'm tired of trying. yes, i know i wish to live in a different reality, but i'm always sure to remember that it simply can't be done. there isn't any other reality other than the one we live in. so, as anyone with eyes can see and read, i understand that wishing and wishing cannot accomplish much. but then, everyone daydreams. for without daydreams, there wouldn't be progress. and to think people said dreaming was a waste of time.

yes, everyone is supposed to have the courage and the determination to overcome their problems. seek new horizons. but how many tries are we willing to take? how many tries will time permit us to take? how many before we lose hope?

if you don't succeed, try and try again.

beautiful sentiment surely. but everytime you're faced with the disappointment that no matter how hard you try, you cant seem to do it, then, after a while, it's human nature to lose hope. but it's also human nature to try again. and it all boils down to degree. how far are we willing to go? some go the distance, some stop.

because it hurts too much to try again. there is a certain amount of disappointments we can take. everyone has his/her own breaking point.

it's just a matter of when

Footprints

how many people think about others when the day is gone?
how many people hold their friends in their hearts and keep them in their prayers at night?
how many people think of the impact they had made on a person's life?
how many people realise the significance of a kind thought, word or deed?

we each make footprints in the lives of other people. those small little marks that make or break a person's day. a mark which may shape the destiny of a person, or pave the way for better things. somehow, even though it was more than 2 years ago, the one little sentence june said, made all the difference in the world. surely, even if it was said carelessly, (i have yet to ask; everyone knows her short term memory well) it make me think. yes, there are other people in this world. it was the first step i took, a little nudge to tell me, my decisions affect other people as well. be careful each time you do or say something.

i wonder about it, because i know how different my life would have been if i had said yes instead of no. sometimes support is appeciated but yet June knew that i couldn't make a proper decision then, and i hadn't explored all the areas of what was offered. i'm glad she helped me with my priorities. and of how big an impact my decision would have made on my life and the lives of at least 10 people.

on another note, thanks to people who tell me to smile. if you had started reading my blog from way back when i started it, the impression is one of a young child who has yet to grow up. but now, at least my blog seems more chim. haha. the thing is that i tend to reflect more now rather than just narrate what happened in school.

this whole blog thing has become something for me to reflect and think about. which is good. but even though the past entries were childish, they still ARE and will continue to be part of my personality. it's just that they'll be carefully concealed and let out at certain times in certain doses. still, the theme of life screwing you lives on.

the Lord is my refuge, my tower and my strength.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

John :3.16-17

some times, our problems seem so petty when compared to the sarcrifice God has given us.

we walk the path we are meant to
we do the things we are meant to

yet sometimes we stray
and then, our blue skies, they turn to grey.

it wasnt meant to be a rhyme, it wasnt meant to be corny. it was meant to be true.

i cannot help but wish for a different reality. i know some things cant be changed. and as the saying goes "one has to be contented with one's lot in life." yet, doesnt it just hit you sometimes that the world we live in is one where nothing is really real? people hide behind the masks of falsehood, of lies and deceit.

i welcome violence in my world.
i welcome pain and suffering in my world.

and my world? is also YOUR world.

but do you welcome the feelings and emotions of falsehood? people generally don't consciously do it. yet each time we open our mouths, we're inviting it. each time we let our mind wander, we're inviting it.

it invades, covers, blocks out the feelings of goodwill and kindness.

each time i write here, i feel as if what i'm portraying is a very negative image of the world and my opinions. the depressive air about this smothers. and people are turned off. well, i say that it's hard core fact. deal with it. if you want to read about bunnies hoping around and little butterflies flying in the air, go read someone else's blog. because you wouldn't find it here. i write this because i believe in what i say. not delusional, not insane. it's my opinion. and in case anyone's wondering, i do have periods of happiness, same as everyone else. i'm no different. i like being happy, and i would be happy, if there's cause for it. if not, rest assured that negative thoughts will be consistent in every blog entry. because that's simply how i think the world is.

yes, i have a problem with the world.
yes, i have a problem with society today.

because each time i try to change my view, somethings happen to slap me out of that particular illusion.

i wonder. with all the inspirational talks and self motivation, why do people still feel that there's a sense of incompletion in their lives? we strive to be the best we can be, we aim to be the smartest, the richest, the best. but how do we measure success? truly, it cannot be measured. or rather, it's merely subjective. some people feel that they are a success when they've mastered a skill, finished a task.

me? i'm not sure.

i live in a hypocritical world. and i'm saying i'm not two faced either. everyone is. it's just a matter of degree. everything is a matter of degree. it's human nature to want to emerge as the eventual victor. be it in studies, sports or anything. you feel a sense of accomplishment and for alot of people, a twinge of happiness knowing that hey, you've beaten someone else.

i don't deny i feel slightly more superior when i beat others but i know that in the end, there will always be others that will be better than me. it's a depressing thought, or rather a realistic one. no one and everyone is the best. it's merely a matter of perspective. there are many things we can do to change our situation. but do we choose to do so? many people find themselves staying where they are because they are afraid of change. i love and hate change. it's a paradox. but really, change is good sometimes, but when things are good, i believe we should let things remain the way it is. then again, if we do, then how are we to experience the better good things that are eminent in our future?

sometimes, i feel optimistic. at others, i revert back to the old pessimist i was. i realise that i like it that way. it's not always good to go around with a perpetual smile on your face because life is never always that perfect/wonderful. but then again, frowning or looking unhappy makes people depressed and ultimately affects the general mood of the place. being both is being able to strike a balance.

for me... i wish to be free. to be free of obligations and restrictions. rules and whatnot. i wish to toss the rulebook of the window and run my life the way i always longed to. but i cant. because i'm ruled by the emotion of fear. fear is strong, it may even be as strong as love and hate.

love makes you do the wacky.
hate makes you do the insane.
these 2 emotions are intertwined and explosive. be it in a good/bad way.

but fear? it places limitations on us. it governs us more than love/hate because it is fear that makes us unable to push forward to get what we want. and then, we'll never know. it'll lead to many other emotions, but eventually, you'll trace it back to fear. and i don't want fear to be the sole victor of the emotions in my heart.

yet i know it'll always be there. a death like shadow.

5 ways of saying hi

1. smile (a smile's not JUST a smile. it can be a half smile, a crazy smile, a weird smile, you get the picture)
2. wave (likewise with the smile thing, small wave, big wave, crazy wave)
3. raise your eyebrow in acknowledgment
4. says the words, "hi"
5. whack the person you wanna say hi to on their back (this only applies if they don't see you before you whack them and you have to make sure the person wouldn't kill you for doing so)

do i look dismissive? sonya said i did. how do i look dismissive when i dun even know i look dismissive? is it a thing she does? that she knows me that well? har? har?

cresent campfire was okay. it was certainly fun seeing all the people i know. but i think the only flaw in the whole thing was that the number of campfire songs that was sung was quite little. more items than songs. and i realised that the majority of items put up by guys nowadays involve break dancing.

i feel like strangling myself to death. literally. i'll probably end up strangling other people as well. might as well drag them down with me when i die.

got the project work groupings today. happened to be grouped with quek. she made me shake with my left hand that i wouldn't have mood swings.

i realized that even though few people read my blog, i don't really want to write everything down here.

because i keep deluding myself. and i hate wondering "what if, what if" because people who do that are always stuck in the fantasy of what ifs and fail to realise until it's too late that they could have done something but didn't.

telling myself to get over it.

my last post was good. i actually liked what i've written.